HUNGER IN KENYA: Is it preventable?

Watching news in Kenya is a satisfactory experience. The daily comical political scenes that covers half of the news, freaky occurrences ranging from thuggery to stealing of human private parts, the sight of crisply-dressed news anchor and of course the 'live' tiring interviews with padawan analysts. This week, unfortunately, has been different.

The TV stations have refused to give me the right of enjoying their news.I no longer titter and snigger at the blatant escapades our politicians engage into. My remote control has been unraveling stark images of utter desperation, diseases and death of people dying in hunger.

Millions of people are dying, imagine, in this country, and four neighboring countries for lack of basic commodity. The country has experienced recurring bouts of drought, increasing frequently of late. But this drought, according to the ugly scenery before us, has to be the worst Armageddon for an un-imaginable period. The phrase 'people dying like flies' has never been used in a better context than this.

According to GHI, Kenya is among 30 highest food insecure countries in world . The attributes given range from drought, global financial crisis to the post-election violence that rocked us years ago. The government has raised a red flag, albeit too late, among countries like Djibouti, Ethiopia and war-toned Somalia. Which begs me to ask, what the fuck is really wrong with our government. Is it that rotten?

I mean, this is not like it is a new phenomena. Isn't there something, really, that can be done to avert this crises in large scale proportions? I know that they cannot say 'abracadabra' and make rains fall, i know they don't have that power, but they can reduce these effects by helping farmers and herders build resilience to these natural circumstances.

This government of Kenya surely can afford to do that. A country that has two leaders, blotted cabinet and wajuaji MPs and fails horribly to put measures in place that can reduce government-induced mortality rates is simply a sham outfit. And it does not deserve the little confidence the hoi polloi had for it. It is a failed government.

We should change the high level of inequality in this country, eschew the exclusion of the poor and vulnerable groups in the society whether social, economic or political, annihilate widespread corruption and nepotism, obliterate lack of investment in agricultural sector and trash contradictory legislative and policy framework.

Mzee Kibaki and Bwana Raila, it is not yet late to nullify these ugly images globe-trotting in international screens. I want to continue enjoying your ilk making fools of themselves as the General Elections looms ahead. As Kevin Cleaver said, 'The rains will fail. But let us not fail, too.'

PS: If GMO maize can aid in alleviating the current situation, why shouldn't we import it? I mean, hordes of hungry people are dying from more poisonous roots, leaves and weeds! My thoughts.

You can join here and many other organizations to contribute something to the afflicted. Or help Safaricom Foundation, KCB Foundation and Media Owners Association on their Kenya For Kenya Campaign in fighting the hunger.

KENYAN HOUSEHELPS @ 7000: The Calculation Crash

Hey there! There is a new crap-wave hitting the country. Apparently the government wants us to pay househelps a whooping 7000kes on a monthly basis. And you kept wondering why a sudden foul stench has been warping our conscience this past week!

This is according to a Gazette Notice by a certain full-o'-crap-than-thou Minister of Labour, John Munyes, which insists on these new regulations of minimum wages for househelp. Major cities will require to pay 7586kes while other counties 7000kes failure to which there is a penalty of being a state's guest for six months or a 50000kes fine.


Apart from that, the Household Executives, as i believe they will henceforth be called because of the fanciful enumerations, they will get House Allowance 15% of salary, two days per week rest, annual leave with full salary and Pension on retirement. Somebody please scream RAPE!

I am no stranger to bull-crap, but by Jove! never have i encountered such skunk-y and highly manured balderdash that this. This is just funny. Painfully funny. The kind of funny that makes you laugh while your intestines are twisting and your eyes puffing out with tears. Who, in Jeezuz name, comes up with these projections and recommendations? It is unfortunate that a crop of petty bourgeois can strive and work so hard just to prove how disgusting they are than what nature intended them to be.Because, if one is privy with Kenyan Economical transgression, as every Government Leader should, insipid recommendations like that would have found its place in a shredder before conclusion was made.

Even if one was feeling sufficiently philanthropic to co-operate with the 'decree', the task would prove impossible. The requirement is astronomical for a house-hold to implement, what with the pay package that is not that thrilling, house rents and mortgages with disheartening figures, electricity and water bills shooting through the roof and food prices hiking on hourly basis. Even FKE's Executive Secretary, Jackie Mugo or a name to that effect, has a bad feeling about this whole 'nothing'.

No one disputes the important tasks mboch has in our homes, from looking after the kids when parents are working, cleaning utensils, helping kids with school assignments to laundry have. (But it should not be forgotten that they can easily finish a family with STDs, cause divorce or steal a kid among other really scary things). That, though, should not cloud our reasoning and jump to imposing impossible and wicked regulations!

PRINCESS ROSE NASIMIYU: What Kenya Can learn From Her

The News Maker of the week in Kenya has to be Princess Rose Nasimiyu. She has graced every reasonable television station in the country, had radio interviews, trended in Twitter and currently has 20000+ likes in Facebook after her page was made yesterday. Rose is a cancer patient, suffering from Hodgkin's Lymphoma, a type of cancer originating from white blood cells.

Princess with her hair and without her hair

              

She was introduced to the media during a the launch of Africa Cancer Foundation by Professor Anyang' Nyong'o, the Minister for Medical Services and survivor of Prostrate Cancer. What awed the crowd was the charismatic, fluent and lively nine-year-old tale of how she learnt her ordeal last December through her mother's whimpers. Her song I Believe literally brought tears to all in the room.

                                     

Princess Rose is not your ordinary nine-year-old kid. She oozes so much hope, and the brilliance she dishes to all those struck by her eloquence changes all the perception about how we Kenyans view situations. We are a known nation that constantly whines on small situations and never realizing the predicament many are facing around us.

                    

When Jeff Koinange asks her in Capital Talk if she ever cries because of her situation, she is almost taken aback by the question. 'I can't,' she replies. 'I am a big girl now, and there are those who are way younger than me that needs a person to talk to. There are those younger, say one-year-olds, they have brain tumors, AIDs and other conditons...'

With Caroline Mutoko of Kiss 100

                               

Having completed seven out of sixteen courses of chemotherapy at St. Gertrudes Children Hospital, the princess is hopeful that she will be a model and Pediatric Oncologist when she grows up. 'But when they keep poking my beautiful skin, how can i be a model?' she poses in reference to chemo which leaves her completely exhausted. 'It takes about eight hours and after that i can vomit up to twelve times and feel better.'

In one of media houses

                                    

Because of the exorbitant amount of money needed for her treatment(a session takes up to 60000kes), Princess Rose has released a song to raise money and help her mother out. 'I told her, "I don't want to see you struggling" that's why i composed the song. It gives hope to those suffering from terminal maladies that there is always hope.'

At Jeff's Bench

                                          

Her story is that of hope, determination and refusing to give up. It shows us that God has a plan for each and every one of us, and though we may be laden with inconceivable plight, He will never forsake us. Many a times we grow uncomfortable with small and irrelevant details in our lives to appreciate how fortunate we are to live our normal lives.

                                       

As Princess Rose says, "Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death" we should truly learn how to appreciate the life we live.

You can support #RoseNasimiyu through M-PESA PayBill 551754 or buy her Skiza tune by sending SKIZA 5050006 to 811.

or

To make contributions you can M-PESA 0724 55 17 54 or contact Princess' mother on pwegesa@yahoo.com

 

You can watch Princess Rose' interview with Jeff Koinange below

THE KENYAN ADVERT: The Kenyan Way

When i was young and shy of knowledge, i would try to figure out the sense in corporate advertisements in the living room. It was irking to see a program at its climax cut short~say Suburban Bliss, for those who were born before 90's can remember this, and when KBC was the only Tv station~for ads. I failed to understand why a company would pour out buckets of monies from their limited coffers for such cause.

As days became months and old-age became synonymous with my face, i became wiser and a little bit knowledgeable. I understood, as any serious entrepreneur will have to understand, that Adverts are primal for a company's survival in this hostile world of competitions, mergers and acquisitions.

Ads range in ways, designs and message. They are crafted for the simple task of 'I want you to buy me and not that' theme. Unfortunately, the world is currently awash with ads clutter. Companies are using millions of money to get their message out only to be ignored. It is akin to working hard for failure!

The right adverts should hit right prospects with entertaining, hard-to-ignore messages that can follow people via high-tech media whether in cars, their residences, offices or institutions of learning. The right ad will see a big jump in customer mind-share while holding line on marketing cost. Kenyan advertisement society has come a long way, from infuriating mono-syllabic and ambiguous crap to an international-level marvel of creativity.

As the internet wave is having its largest share of advertisements due to the cheapness and target group involved, television advertisements in Kenya is the sure way of reaping profit from 30+ million viewers. Let me sample the best and the awkward adverts that have graced our respective living rooms during dinner time.

• Safaricom and its products

Safaricom has to be the most aggressive blue-chip company in the region when it comes to advertisements. Every ad by Safaricom is a revelation that entertainment can be successful factor in advertising. From M-Pesa, Bonga points, Safari 7's, Ideos...ad infinitum. Especially the Niko Na Safaricom campaign.

                          

• Airtel 

Airtel is another advert worth giving a glance. Although their exotic ads rarely cut with the ordinary of the clientelle, it is their persistence that keeps them in market. The 'Utahama Lini?' is still etched in Kenyan's brains.

•    Yu

There was this time when Yu had a series of formidable ads. From the mama mboga to the current one of a magistrate screaming 'All charges DROPPED!', methinks Yu is approaching a feeble and desperate method to woo customers.

                              

• Trust Condom

You simply have to love their adverts. Remember the black Adam and Eve clip after the umbrella-gate ad in a traffic jam? Well, the 'Yes!' campaign is still trending in the mind of youths.

                         

• EABL

Kenya Breweries are doing a great work when it comes to marketing their products. Pilsner Na Mfalme, The Greatness in Guiness, Tusker Milele not to mention a few. Their Dont Drink and Drive awareness campaign is a success. Their enthusiastic approach is partly due to Tabitha's Keroche taming their monopoly.

                        

• Kenya Airways

This advert is one of the few in Africa that feels at home in CNN. It is global, smart and entertaining. it makes one to want, again and again, watch it. Its other ads include Msafiri, world cup and the Sevens Rugby.

                    

• Kenchic

'When you are KUKU about chicken' is the best slogan associated with this fast-food franchise. It's best advert is the one that involved Inspector Mwala

                         

• Supa Loaf

There are sooo many bread variety in the country, and having realized that, Supa Loaf has cut above the niche with 'Never say bread say Supa Loaf' advert. The comic ad of a lady going berserk because his husband spotted a young lass with binoculars is also a spot-on.

• Sony Sugar

This advertisement is shot in a marriage setting, with a theme song of a Kenyan classic ballad 'You are my sweeetie, my sugar'. Simply outstanding.

                           

• DuraCoat Paints

Show me a person in Kenya who doesn't know Peter Marangi and i will show you an egg that can not break under a clamp. Marangi is phenomenal in the ad and 'Me am Peter Marangi and me i know about painting!'

                   

• Mpango Wa Kando

This advert sensitizes the citizens against sex outside marriage. Jimmy Gathu comes in as a very admonishing who busts the philandering couples in the act.

                         

•  Barclays Bank

The dancing robot found its way back in our living rooms after almost a decade of in-existence. Then came the 11.99% mortgage ad where Kate Kibugi, the lady who broke Guiness World Records earlier in March for Limbo dance, coolly asks 'Do you want to know why?...That's why'. She is simply irresistible, and so is the ad. The latest ad with Maqbul is also spot on. 'Look at yourself, now look at me'.

• Kenya Power

Don't we love their versatility? You would even wonder why a monopolistic company like KP would go at pains to market their products so vivaciously as if there are competitors around. They have adverts rich in graphics and heritage.

Other unforgettable ads include Family Bank's Pesa Pap!, APA Insurance and Equity Bank's M-Kesho. The irritating ones have to be Harpic, Pampers, Always and all toiletries including Aerial Detergent, Dettol soap and OMO.

All in all, adverts are a primal requirement for economical advancement in a serious profit-making company.

The Silicon Savannah

When i first saw 'Kenya's Silicon Success' perched on the cover page of this month's TIME magazine, i hurriedly bought it. After the first pages of deaths, terrorism and pessimistic catchy titles, in all its glory therein stared at me 'The Silicon Savanna' title emblazoned with a farmer lady holding a Nokia 1100, her arms akimbo, at the middle of a green-house farm, and the crops around her of course green.

                              

Let us first dissect this photograph, this amazing piece of artistry that one Sven Torfinn perfected. Somebody said a picture speaks a thousand words. (S)he must have seen this photo to so exude those witty remarks because the breath-taking beauty of the scenery is simply awesome. The photo also has splashes of our National Flag colours, the greatest of our National Heritage.

The article centered on Pivot25, a conference on mobile phone applications that was held last month. It has been noted that mobile-phone use in Africa is one of the biggest activity and soon, major and minor activities will be through these gadgets. The blue-chip companies investment on mobile phone apps in Africa is insurmountable.

Safaricom set a trend when it enrolled M-PESA service, and since, thousands of applications have been 'invented' here in Kenya. A great institution that has to be applauded has to be Strathmore University, as it has proved to be a techno-savvy platform for major inventions. Kamal Budhabhatti's Craft Silicon has enrolled it's latest product, Elma, which virtually does any business or financial transaction hence eradicating the need of credit-card uses and the likes. To him it is a digital wallet.

It is estimated that that there are half-a-billion mobile-phones in African, hence averaging 1 for every 2 Africans according to Industrial Analyst, Informa Telcoms and Media. Over the past four years, this trend has seen Africa's internet capacity soaring from 340 gigabits to a whooping 34000gigabits according to Tim Parsonson, the CEO of Teraco African Data, and the cost of internet to its Service Provider reducing from $4000 to $200 per month for a megabit/second. This has seen internet in Africa among the fastest growing in Africa.

Kenya, the Silicon Savanna, leads Africa when it comes to embracing technology with abandon. That is why it is not strange that Google decided Nairobi to be its regional base, and not the 'developed' cities of South Africa or Nigeria. And the list for companies rooted here, to say the least, is listless. This is one thing that will surely put this country at par with other developed nations, not the habitual plight of hunger, corruption, poverty, nepotism and other discrepancies largely associated with third-world countries.

                                                                 Konza City

The government is about to construct a $7 billion Konza Technological City near Machakos which will be an African pride. This will be a replica to the Silicon Valley in America that hosts world's largest technology corporations such as Google, Yahoo, Facebook and Microsoft. Also, earlier this month, it released it's information online, making it the only country in African, and one of the first in the world, to do so. According to Bitange Ndemo, who is the PS in Information and Technology, this will create transparency in how the government transacts its business, and the public can track cases of corruption and raise them.

This is a great leap into the future, and if there be a reason to be proud as a Kenyan, it has to be now. As the mobile applications are being generated at an amazing pace, we can only hope the consious attributions on development, economy and recognition worldwide, as according to Ushahidi co-founder Erik Hersman, "Any of these apps can go global. They work on any phone anywhere. ...If it works here for the guy on his Nokia 1100, it'll work for anyone"

The Actuarial Science in Kenya

When I first heard the word Acturial Science, i was flummoxed. Not because of the complexity of the word, but as a pitiful endurance to the person who had introduced it to me. My heart literally bled for him, for i was sure he had slipped his tongue, or what lisping can adequately be meant. Perhaps he had meant Architectural Science, if ever there is such coarse, or Actual Science or whatever sensible lingual statement that deemed appropriate to thine ears.

Sitting in the back row of my high school hall-for it had to be the last row, as i was a chronic back-bencher- i let my ears take in and take in again the queer phrase, apparently aware that the Careers Day host speaker actually meant what he was saying. A very young course-very, he had emphasized-had been introduced in Kenya higher institutions of learning, and-he emphasized again- it had propensity to make you earn gazillions of money after graduation.

If there be a dream that i oft had endured since childhood, it has to be the dream of earning big in future. The art of comfortably rubbing shoulders with who-is-who in monetary status, sampling the finest of wines while oozing pompous laughter at every stereotype joke i come across. Riding Porsches and Ferraries around the posh suburbs of Lavington and Muthaiga, accessing vulgar medical insurance and contributing my erudition to prime magazines, journals and television interviews.

With the possibility of making such dream become a reality, i enrolled in the School of Mathematics and Statistics, JKUAT, to undertake the coveted course with chutzpah. Actuarial is a complicated jargon of mathematics, finance and gambling course, just as its name sounds. Like a man with a vision, i comfortably chewed the excesses of bulky notes, heavy metallic books and hours of boring but interesting lecturer(er)s.

The first year was all above-average, not until some facts started cropping with astonishing reality. Beneath the veneer of awesome-ness lies an ugly truth about this all-glorious course. Allow me to divulge some:

1. Actuarial Science can gladly fuck you.  It is the only course i know that has a capability of staring you deep in your eyes...and show you the middle finger. Just like that. Just like that.
2. It is far, far easier  for a camel, no scratch that, for an elephant to go through an eye of a needle than for one to be an Actuary. Because after four years of pious labor in getting an honor, the institution can happily announce you an Actuarial Science graduate, not an Actuary as you had hoped, which has the same marketability status with B Com or Purchasing and Supplies students, if not less. This is because you need to do at least certain amount of professional papers to be considered employ-able. To the papers...

3. Kenyan Varsities Actuarial Courses are not recognizable internationally. Shocked? So, after everything you have done, after all the swotting, you are required to commence afresh with the papers. The various professional papers are Canadian Institute of Actuaries, Institute and faculty of Actuaries, Institute of Actuaries of Australia and American Actuarial Society. And these papers, my dear friends, are not just any kind of papers. It is irritating, embarrassing even, that you can cover every nook and cranny of one paper, say Financial Mathematics or Probability and Statistics, fill your head with each and every detail there can be about it day and night literally, only to horribly and abysmally fail the exam. The psychological trauma that a victim undergoes through is un-fathomable.

In places far and wide (read America and Europe), students through with post-diploma can be allowed exemption of up to five professional papers, making one to fruitfully enjoy his/ her hardwork. TASK-The Actuarial Society of Kenya-an umbrella with responsibility of ensuring all these woes Acturial students facing are dispensed with have proved to be incompetent, and unfortunately moribund.

So with my hopes dwindling as graduation looms ahead, i can only hope that no child of a woman will be subjected to these inconveniences of mental torture. If only for one second i had a career speaker of a seer, a person adequate with explanations and truth of what one would expect if he joins the course, the hustles of professional papers and eventual insomnia attack, i would have dutifully applied a worthier and substantive course.

I am not regretting, and whimpering 'I wish I knew' verbiage, but only expostulating the price of blindly desires. If it will help anyone one day.

THE BREAK by James Kabutugwa

She sat before me and her sweet eyes made the situation more difficult. I didn't fathom why she wanted me to be the one to break her, as I too wasn’t experienced(well maybe that was the reason). To be clear on the issue, I couldn’t help but ask.

“Why me and not someone else?”

“James, it just happens that I trust you,” came her sweet reply.
                    

I moved towards her and her radiant smile gave me the confidence I so much needed. Touched her lightly on her thigh and traced my way to the place. I motioned for her to spread her thighs a little and she did. I circled it and placed a finger on the middle and pressed, ooh! it was ready. She gave a whimper and I withdrew my hand. I looked up and met her sweet smile that reassured me all was well and I shouldn’t stop.

                       

So, with all the confidence I could muster, I moved in for the kill. Looking at her face, my heart went out to her as tears streamed down her cute cheeks and her face contorted in pain. Before long it was over and she sighed with relief. I took a tissue paper and wiped the puss and blood that came from the wound dry. She looked at me and thanked for the service with a sweet kiss.
                           

“Fuck that boil, it had my inner thigh throbbing for days. I thought it would be hell but, it wasn’t so bad after all,” she said with a mischievous grin.
                                       

We both burst out laughing as my hands, ever so stealthily, stole their way past the primary point towards the secondary point…………………..well that’s a story for another day.

Similarities between Ladies and Weekends by James Kabs

The weekend is just a few hours away. Everyone has had their week. I know of some who’d rather die than relive the past week and others would give it all just to go through it again. There are some like me who lie in the middle like one Kalonzo Musyoka. Whichever group you belong too, it is a must that you go through this coming weekend unless your time is up in this world and the Big Boss up there is beckoning and we can comfortably mouth a bon voyage.

                                        

Like one Bobby Mapesa said, ladies come in all shapes and sizes and so do weekends. If you will indulge me, there are those weekends  plan for a long time. The problem is, when that time comes, it is far from expectation. You are left with a bad taste in your mouth not to mention all the time you spent planning for it. Sounds like a lady who disappointed you big time in the past?

There are those who you expect less from them and once you spend time with them, they either disappoint nor mesmerize you.

                                          

The best of them happens to be worth the wait. If the time spent with them was a movie, you would hit the rewind button so many times that a new remote control would come in handy. They are the weekends that you hit the climax and left in need for more.

Another type of weekend is which instead of  hearing a popping sound, all that goes through your ears is a swish sound. You try to be through with it as quick as you humanly can but they turn out to be the longest weekends ever.  They are the weekends that makes one say strange things like, “Thank God it’s Monday.” If it so happens that you've hit several weekends of that nature in a row, you might lose hope of ever finding a good weekend (it is acceptable to read that as good girls). 

There are those type you simply brush aside and forget you ever lived through such weekends. The good thing about them is that they come to a quick end before you realize they are over. One simply moves on with their lives.

                                                  

Lastly, there are those that would make a grown up man cry. They come, fulfill every fantasy that you’ve never had and live in the middle of the night without saying goodbye. They are the weekends that you hit from all angles and you still get to the climax. They sometimes lead atheists to turn into believers and promise the One funny things if only the climax can hold for a while longer but thanks to His sense of humor, these weekends turn out to be short lived. You wake on a Monday with a broken heart and wish a terrible wish for all days  be weekends.

Anyhow buddies, whichever weekend yours turns out to be, just get the best out of it. Come on Monday, we will all have one kind of a hangover or the other. All the same, enjoy your weekend pals.       

A LETTER FROM THE UNBORN by James Kabutugwa

I don’ t know what transpired that got me here, all I know is that, I enjoy my environment and would not trade it for the whole wide world(maybe it’s because I know about nothing outside this seemingly round room). My days are spent swimming,which i’ve become pretty good at and also learning how to kick(though it’ s a pity that I got no ball to practice with).

In here, I can’t manage a lot of things on my own, but it’ s as perfect a world as any. There is no competition whatsoever and even the food I eat comes from you and that means, I don’t have to sweat for my meals. It’s when I’m full that I do practice my kicks and if sometimes it hurts, I do send my apologies in torrents.

Sometimes, I can here voices coming from out there in your world and the one that I love most is, I don’t know if I heard it right, music. I don’t know if it’s of one kind, but I’d like to try it out someday. In here, can’t do much to practice it, because I’m afraid if I dare open my mouth, I’ll choke myself to death with this water that seems to surround me(it's just that I’ m yet to open my eyes, so the phrase, 'as far as I can see' doesn’t apply to me). Is that laughter I hear, well, forgive me if I don’t know the name of this liquid, but for now let’ s just call it water.

As perfect as this world is, sometimes it gets pretty boring and I just can’t wait to get out there and do some things like, play football and admire my kicking skills, play basketball and strengthen my feeble arms and swimming in real water having learn this liquid being termed as amniotic fuid(hope I got the spelling right).

Am telling you all this, because the other day, i overheard some word like abortion, and someone explaining it as getting rid of the baby before its due time and it often leads to death of the baby and sometime to that of

 the mother. Having known to call you mother, thanks to that person, I ask of you to please let me live. I don’t know of reasons that would lead you to abort me, but I wish that you would give me a chance to make my own decisions and be responsible for my own actions. I’ d like to know the difference between right and wrong, and, more than anything else I’ d like to know the process through which I was I made.

I have heard that at times, the baby has to be done away with for the mother to survive according to this. I may not know the truth in that but i just ask for a chance to survive and live in your world.

I got to pen off at this point for I am so exhausted trying to get the correct spelling for all these words. If you find a mistake, please correct it and save this letter till when I get there and I’ ll be so happy to learn of my mistakes and expand my knowledge of your language. Bye for now.

Yours truelly,

(whichever name you deem fit, that I’ ll accept)

blog on child population

KENYA 2.0 (Kenya Open Government Data Portal)

Baba Jimmy, AKA Ubaks has done it again, graced the epitome of greatness.He was today in KICC opening Kenya Open Government Data Portal KOGPD.

In short the country has gone online, literally. And this country, the country that finds favor in Fourth Estate for not-so-good news, has proved to be a techno-savvy little nation, and an envy to other African countries. So in KOGDP, you can comfortably access any information, which otherwise, would have been impossible due to bulk of paper work or lack of transparency available.

Your local chief's education level, Akiwumi report, the fourth agenda, civil job employment, your county, game parks and reserves; practically everything. You want to know how CDF is eaten? just click. Unga revolution, government's expenditure, census results...ad naseum.


It is hard to praise this government, but truth be told, this is a major milestone they have achieved, and i believe it will have positive impact to the country and East-Africa in general.

Viva Kenya!!!

Hors d'œuvre

We somehow winded in Gents, everyone occupied and pre-occupied in piss-tillation processes. He turned to me and cordially asked, "are you the chef?"  What the fuck? 

"No," I answered, a lil'bit defensively. "I've never been a chef!"

"Um sorry," he managed before zipping his fly (perilously fast, I thought) before bolting out of the washrooms. It took me ten good minutes to know what the incidence was all about. I and Alexandria had been invited for a party at one of her friend's crib in Kileleshwa. And all her friends identify her with her ex, a certain chef with ArtCaffe, Westgate.

We were three months old then, this friendship thing, and it struck me odd that none of her friends knew she was newly engaged. I am not the insecure-kind of guy. In fact, i rarely give a shit about anything to do with ladies, and inconsequential esartz mockery that can be resulted by their behaviors. But deep, deep inside me i grew worried, and asked politely why I had been mistaken for a chef.

Alexandria is smart and has a nice mouth. When she speaks, she speaks from her heart and words comes out of that nice mouth in form of lyrics. She is magical and lovable. So, she tells me that she seldom advertises her relationship status, divorced or otherwise, unless under perceived circumstances. I hope you understand, John. Of course i understood, and i shook my head to that effect, because i had to understand. What else was there to do?

So two weeks ago we spent at her parents. it is a large family and during dinner we all surrounded the canape table, afterwards digging on every available edible substance available with relish. I gave thumbs-up to the person responsible for the culinary perfection, to which, a certain aunt quipped, "I believe you would have been marvelous, too."

Five minutes later, a cousin took me aside and apologized for the aunt's malapropism, citing that the family were still in the knowledge of Alexandria dating a certain chef. I was, for lack of better words, shattered. Three months of dating, three fucking long months, and someone mistaking me as a wearer of those silly hats and gingham trousers. After putting it categorically, in not so subtle words, that i was an Actuarial student in a local varsity, and i would never attempt to cook anything to save my life, did the world around us tilt violently.

It is dis-heartening to learn that you can comfortably learn to give your heart, however skeptic you can be, only to be grazed with uncertainties and bales of stinking excuses. For someone who is afraid to be identified with you in social gatherings, or joints, there simply can never be radiance that can be illuminated when you are together in a room alone. I am trying to imagine a rugged fella smelling of garlic and onions make supper by chopping lamb pieces and mashing potatoes, adding shallots and vinegar to a skillet, then throwing knives at the wall before making love passionately to my Alexandria for six arduous hours. Then he takes a night shift at Artcaffe!

P.S. Alexander Davies, if you are reading this, hata kama umenitoa facebook, just know that opinion of friends counts on your level of intelligence. Just that I once thought you was bright. Nothing personal.