WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? What Really Ensued In Kenya

[This is an actual excerpt of an interrogation that took place in CID Buruburu station weeks ago. This is a 'Top-Rated' sensitive documents, but thanks to our geek( you remember the hacking of a police website?) we managed to retrieve it. Remember, this is a matter of national (in)security.]

We, Inspector Tumbo Karai and Superintendent Bila Akili were directed by our superiors to conduct an investigation on an alleged chicken that has caused nation-wide uproar and tension by crossing the road. The conduct, herein viewed as a suspect motive, both in nature of the act or thereof, shall be credible foundation for this investigation, which will undoubtedly unravel other motives that has escaped the scope of Vigilant(e) House.

We laid, unknown to the culprit, two stingy operations, first 'Catch a Cock' and the other 'Roast-a-Rooster' by the Waiyaki Highway. Our boys, selected from the creme of the fieldwork offices, kept vigil for almost eight hours communicating in hi-tech methods such as Facebook, Twitter and Tumbler (They had erroneously left the 'e' so i've corrected the typo)

Sometimes before we caught the chicken in the act of crossing the road, a slight commotion was detected on the left side of the road. This was definately a desperate attempt by person or persons unknown to botch a well-choreographed operation so that the chicken may cross the road undetected. We have since confirmed the commotion was an accident involving a lady who, until her unfortunate demise, was a 25-year-old UON student.

The lab report is back and has confirmed a 98% certainty on the chicken's DNA that this is a real chicken. A chicken with two scrawny legs, a coat of feathers and .a red fez. Not the two previous chickens still in custody that brayed and barked respectively after extensive admissible interrogations.

Insp:    Chicken, i am Tumbo and this is my
         partner B. Akili from Buruburu Police
         Station.I believe you have been read
         your rights.
 
Chick:   Don't tell me Kenya has Miranda 
         rights!

Sprt:    No. We just give you a sheet with list
         of offenses you have committed and you
         put a signature on it.

        

Chick:   I don't see the reason to. The sheet
         is already signed.

Insp:    Oops, sorry for the confusion.
         (Retrieves the paper) I have
         remembered you gave us the permission
         to access your Facebook basic account
         details.  

Chick:   I don't remember having a choice, 
         especially after generously giving you

         my password.

Insp:    Kindly confirm to the recording 
         machine here that you are indeed a 
         chicken.

Chick:   If it speaks, walks or has a chicken
         swag probably ain't it. A chicken
         wouldn't try  that hard.

Sprt:    (Halts the recording machine and grabs
         the chicken by it's neck.) I did not
         come here to be mocked by a chicken 
         like you!(Sparks vividly escaping his
         nostrils)  Don't make me crush your 
         filthy balls like your friends there 
         (points at a direction to the left)

Chick:   (Genuine-ly surprised. Gasps) Didn't
         know chicken had balls!

Sprt:    We didn't know either. (He sneers and
         lessens the grasp) Now we know better!

         (Tamahaki's sound-track in the 
         background for a minute for the 
         message to sink)

Insp:    (Putting an awkward smile) You see my
         friend here has a short fuse. I will 
         not tolerate him treating you like 
         this. You  look like a reasonable 
         chicken  like me. Just answer the 
         question and I will protect you from 
         his fury. 

         (Good-Cop-Bad-Cop thing-y dummy!!)

Chick:   Yes, I am the chicken. I have always
         been a chicken since inception!

Insp:    Good, now you are co-operating. 
         Cereals? We have impounded a lorry 
         full of IDP maize sold by their camp
         leader.Kenyans! (Chuckles then 
         shakes his head) Who will liberate 
         them?   

Chick:   I'd like a Chic-a-Bix! And a packet
         of Roster cigarettes.

Insp:    (Startled) Funny they sound like 
         chicken products to me. (Uses a 
         tweetdeck to send the request) Will 
         be here in a micro-second! Now 
         Chicken(pressing  the recording 
         button) why did  you cross the road?

Chick:   (shaking its head) Ok, is this some
         kind of a big joke you guys are

         trying...

Sprt:    (snaps the recording machine halt and
         glares to the trembling chicken)

         Please answer the question as asked
         or else...

         (Jeez! I had forgotten you was 
         behind me you damnnit!)

         (Chicken, you can do this. Say it in
         your head that you can do this

         ten times!)

Chick:   (Confused. Very unsure of the
         answer) Because...er...purr-haps i 
         wanted to cross the road?

Insp:    (Sounding dangerously calm. The 
         sound of Obi-Wan Kenobi) So why 
         were not on the other side in the 
         first place? Or why didn't the road
         beneath you move you  so that you 
         would be on the other side? I will 

         ask you again  Why. Did. You. Cross.  
                  The. Road? 

Chick:   Ok, ok. Lemme answer the question 
         diligently.

         (Think chicken, think!)

         No more games, being straight with
         you guys...

         (Flap those imaginary wings, 
         chicken and cock-a-doodle)

         (Stamp your feet with authority in 
         the Chicken Palace, all hen's eyes

         on you!)

         (Perch on the tallest branch and 
         declare your chickenature with the

         might of a matador)

         (Don't chicken now, ye chicken!)

Insp:    Still waiting...

Chick:   Fuel price! (where the eff did that
         come from?) sky-rocketing fuel 

         prices is killing me. Sugar alone 
         is hitting 250 per Kg and...

Insp:    Save that for Francis Atwoli. If I 
         have not heard from him for weeks

         who are you to complain?

Chick:   Ok, I had to escape! (four 
         expectant eyes on him) End-of-year
         is nigh...

Both:    And...

Chick:   There is this cult of sadists 
         called Abaluhya For Chicken
         Annihilation(AFCA) baying for my 
         blood literary. I was not about to 
         give them that satisfaction.

Insp:    I don't think that will cut with my
         boss. He wants concrete evidence

         to convict you, y'know. C'mmon help
         me and we will work out your

         sentence by half because you are
         already convicted.We are giving 
         you an opportunity to liberate
         yourself, buddy.   

Chick:   Ok, okay (why didn't I think of
         this before?) this thing about 
         women is killing me. Some feminists
         have convinced my harem dwellers 
         that polygamy is a religious and
         social anathema. Imagine 30+ chics 

         demanding I appoint  the legal 
         inheritor-in-waiting just in case i

         accidental fall  from the nearest 
         branch and die! 

Insp:    Sorry for that (genuinely 
         sympathetic) The police is aware of
         FIDA. Their latest wishful attempt 
         is to have all Supreme court judges
         women and one male Chief Justice. 
         Women and guts!

Sprt:    There is something you not telling
         us, laddie! I can see it in your 

         two eyes.

Chick:   (How could I forget this!) This is 
         because some political heavyweights

         are out there to finish me and my 
         race politically for their own 
         benefit.  

Insp:    How is that so (inclining forward)

Chick:   (Act like a chicken you are! Act 
         Chickenese)You remember my entire 

         generation was wiped out in the 
         post-election violence?

Insp:    We have no records of that!

Chick:   Well...it was pre-election violence
         but the MO was the same. Between

         24th and 26th of December, 2007, a
         well pre-organized massacre was

         widely conducted targeting members 
         of my community in a Whoopee!

         Hooray! celebration-style of Chick-
         stmas. I am Moreno-Ocampo's key 

         witness and some politicians want 
         to finish me before i join the

         Witness Protection program.

Insp:    Dude!(Anger seeping in) I am no 
         longer going to stomach your 
                  chicken baloney! What-Is-It-You-
                   Are-Not-Telling-Us?

Sprt:    You see I have done psychology at 
         Kiganjo you pussy-looking chicken!

         (sh*t) And i have learn to observe 
         body reactions synonymous with

         lying pricks. I am now noticing you
         have teeth that you never had,

         pointed ears  like those of mitre, 
         whiskers larger than your stupid

         smile and a distracting purr. These
         are the Pinocchio's nose traits

         that you are exhibiting. We are 
         giving you the last chance or 
         else... 

Chick:   Ok, Okay, Okayee! (raising its 
         front appendages) Ok, I chicken 
         that crossed the road has a 
         confession to make.(cross your 
         paws, chicken!) I crossed the road 
         to further my political ambition as
         the next president of Kenya.

Both:    Bingo! (Bright faces. Two bodies 
         jumping up and down like frenzied

         monkeys)

         (Somebody play 'Who Is a Chicken 
         Now' by Redsan)

         (Phew!)

Insp:    I knew you was hiding something 
         from us. This is gold, treason!

Chick:   I am entitled to a lawyer!

Sprt:    OMG, after confessing?(mocks) A 
         chicken indeed!

         (Tweetdeck: please bring a pair of 
         golden cuffs on a golden platter)

         You are a special criminal, 
         y'know? Lol

         (A flash of movie 'Hell' by Van 
         Damme passing through the mind)

         Worry not, though. A clutter of 
         lawyers are all declaring their

         interests in defending you.

         There is KenChic, McFry's, Chicken 
         Inn, Galitos, Pizza Inn, AFCA among

         others.

Chick:   Can I have a final wish...just a 
         bite o' Chick-Uh-Late.

Insp:    Sure you not some kind of Chicken 
         cannibal? You can have the entire

         bar...

         (A munch)

         (Bye Garfield, just wish i could 
         have learn more tricks from you)

         (Another fleshy bite)

         (Cats don't eat chockies...DUMMIES!)

         You chicken, stop pretending you've
         fainted. Wake up!

         (Shakes it)

         Cant feel the pulse.

         (Panics. Then calms)

         You Bila Akili. Bring two pistols 
         and a can of bullets from the

         evidence room.

         I believe you know the script...

Both:    The suspect shot at my (m)boys. My 
         (m)boys short (m)back and recovered

         two pistols and eleven (m)bullets. 
         Lol